So, you want to introduce sex toys into the bedroom…but you don’t know how to bring it up to your partner.
Sex toys are a great way to add variety and novelty to your sex life, and help to spice things up when you and your partner fall into a routine. However, it can feel awkward telling your partner for the first time that you want to bring in something extra – it might stem from embarrassment, a fear of bruising their ego, or the worry that they’ll get the impression that you’re not satisfied with the status quo.
How do you skip the awkwardness and potentially hurt feelings and skip right to the toe-curling orgasms? In this article, we’ll explain the simple four-step process to introducing sex toys into the bedroom for the first time.
Step One: Reflect on Why You Feel Uncomfortable (If You Do)
Before introducing the idea to your partner, try and get to the root of why you are feeling nervous or fearful. Is it about your partner’s reaction, or is it stemming from an internal feeling of shame?
In the latter case, the conversation you need to have is with yourself. Why are you feeling ashamed of bringing sex toys into the mix? Did someone make you feel that way before? Or did you get brought up in a culture that shamed pleasure?
If you’re feeling uncomfortable because of an underlying issue about your sexuality, consider seeing a sex therapist to dig deep within yourself and unpack those emotions. Getting to the root of the problem will help you decipher how best to handle the situation, and may even improve your personal relationship with sex.
Step Two: Break the Ice
If you realize that your worry is due to your partner’s potential reaction and not internal beliefs about yourself and your sexuality, remember that delivery is key. If you approach your partner extremely nervous or guarded and fail to explain why, they may jump to the worst conclusions. Therefore, it’s best to rehearse what you want to say beforehand and say it with confidence.
“I’ve been fantasizing about using a strapless dildo with you…I think it would feel really good and could free up our hands for other things…what do you think?”
“I love how it felt last night when we…and I found this toy that we could use to experiment more with that. Would you be interested?”
“Have you ever thought of trying some kind of toy together? I think it’d be fun.”
By putting the emphasis on you two trying the toy together and posing it as a question, you end up framing it as a request as opposed to a criticism or complaint.
Step Three: Browse Sex Toys and Find the Right One for You
Once you’ve broken the ice, it’s time for the fun part: choosing the right sex toy for you and your partner. Start by considering what kind of sex you two enjoy the most – is it anal, oral, penetrative, external rubbing?
The first toy you add to your sexual repertoire should be something that simply complements what you usually do in sex, and wouldn’t require a significant change in your routine. If you’re introducing sex toys into the bedroom for the very first time start small, such as this pocket massager from shanes world. You likely won’t want something large as that can take a lot of foreplay to prepare for, or something that might get in the way of your intimacy.
For example, if you both love missionary, consider a vibrating cock ring that can be slipped on seamlessly during missionary to give you clitoral stimulation while keeping your partner harder for longer, and giving them more powerful orgasms. It doesn’t get in the way of your precious love-making, and it’s mutually satisfying.
When using the toy for the first time, try not to bring too much attention to it – instead, remind your partner how much you love their vulva/penis/body, and show them how much fun you’re having. Once the two of you get more comfortable using a sex toy, you can begin to get more creative. It’s good to remember that sex toys allow for sensations that may not be physically possible with our human bodies alone – no matter how skilled your partner is, they only have so many hands.
If you’re really lost about finding the right sex toy for you, browse around a sex toy shop and see what excites you. Once you have your toy, get to know the in’s and out’s and figure out all the vibration patterns, modes and special features it offers, if any. By practicing on your own and knowing how to use your toy, you can avoid any mishaps while in action, such as hitting the off button when you meant to press the boost button…right as you were on the verge of orgasm.
Step Four: Talk About It Afterwards
After having sex with your partner using a sex toy, it’s important for you both to come together and have a chat about how it went – what went well, what may need some work, whether it wasn’t the right toy for you at all, or whether you want to take it even further and size up or get a more expensive version.
However, if it didn’t go well the first time, try not to be so hard on yourselves or the toy. Just like any kind of sexual activity, practice makes perfect, and it takes time to master how to incorporate the toy into your play. Experiment with different positions, different ways of using the toy, and lather on a good lubricant or arousal oil for added support. Eventually, you two will crack the code on what feels good.
And if you don’t, no sweat! Just like finding the right partner, searching for the ideal sex toy can take time and experimentation. There are hundreds of different toys out there – ones that thrust, rotate, vibrate, lick, or stay stationary and let you do the work. As long as you’re open-minded and willing to embark on the adventure together with your partner, you’re sure to find some new ways to take your sex to a whole other level (with or without a toy) and feel more connected to each other in the process.
However, keep in mind that if sex toys don’t end up being for you, that’s totally fine as well – they’re not necessarily for every couple. You should never do anything you don’t feel comfortable with – the choice is entirely yours!
For the more experienced you can begin to explore kinks which go beyond ‘normal’ penetrative sex. Bondage (BDSM), kink or even chastity can stimulate unrealised passion in the bedroom.
